I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
