My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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