I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
