I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
