last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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