I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
