... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
