You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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