Will you blow on my dice?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
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