All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
