wakey wakey hands off snakey
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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