Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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