We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
