Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
