peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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