the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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