Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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