my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
