one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize