The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
