When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
