Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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