He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize