Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
