Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
