"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
