see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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