thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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