You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
