Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
