i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
