Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
