Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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