i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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