He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize