God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
