I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
