If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
