i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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