4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
