my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
