You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
