please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
