I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
