Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
