Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize