Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize