Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
