She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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