Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
