I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize