She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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