So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
