I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
