Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
His hands were made for my vagina.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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