Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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