Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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