Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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