if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
